A cup dishes out hard truths about your abusive relationship with coffee
By Caitlin Gill
Dear Coffee Addict,
I know mugs don’t usually write letters. I would have emailed, but the wifi is terrible in the cupboard.
Look, we need to talk.
I’m honored to be your go-to mug. Ever since I showed up on the shelf it’s been you and me and coffee every morning. It was great, for a while, until it wasn’t. Look, this is hard to say, so I’ll just say it.
We need a break.
It’s not you, it’s coffee.
I’m sure coffee was fun to hang out with when you first met, but now it’s all jitters and crashes. Stress sweats and mini panic attacks. Coffee has been gaslighting you so bad you think you can’t even get out of bed without it.
Are you going to let an alkaloid boss you around like that? Well, I guess cocaine and nicotine are alkaloids, too. They can be pretty bossy. Oh, relax, I’m not saying caffeine is like those other alkaloids. There are lots of good alkaloids out there, I’m sure.
I’m just asking a simple question: What is it you see in coffee, anyway?
Can I be honest? You don’t even like coffee. Cream. Sugar. Syrup. You aren’t adding those for more coffee flavor. If you’re always trying to change coffee maybe it wasn’t a good fit from the beginning.
I’m no Esther Perel, it's just me and my handle here, but it’s obvious that you and coffee are in a codependent relationship.
Listen, it’s early and I’m all heated up. I hope this truth bomb wasn’t too scalding. I just want what’s best for you. For us.
Your favorite mug
P.S. While I’ve got your attention, can I ask you to move the wine glasses off of our shelf? They are unbelievable snobs. You wouldn’t believe how they make fun of the rest of us. Though I did agree when they said having coffee was like drinking something that’s mad at you, I can’t take another jab at my handle. Who says a stem is better? Imagine teasing a sturdy handle when you look like Humpty Dumpty sitting on a twig … sorry, I’m off topic. Think about the coffee thing.